


How to Love an Enormous Green Rage Monster

by TheVoiceofWrath (meet_your_fate)



Series: The Epic Love Story of Bruce and JARVIS [1]
Category: Marvel (Movies), The Avengers (2012)
Genre: (though it isn't technically a wedding because human/AI relationships aren't legally recognized), Android Jarvis, Clint cries, Fury officiates, Happily Ever After, JARVIS gets to plan a wedding, JARVIS is the best at giving the silent treatment, M/M, Other, POV Bruce Banner, Tony is very paternal, all the Avengers are around, but he's still an AI, he just gets a body he uses, hint: it's his own, shh just come - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-01
Updated: 2013-06-01
Packaged: 2017-12-13 14:50:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/825552
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meet_your_fate/pseuds/TheVoiceofWrath
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bruce doesn't know about working in Stark Tower. So many things could go wrong, but Tony promises everything will be fine with JARVIS keeping an eye out.</p><p>This is the story of how Bruce falls in love with his AI babysitter.</p>
            </blockquote>





	How to Love an Enormous Green Rage Monster

**Author's Note:**

> Set in some nebulous time period after the first Avengers movie. Tony's living in New York for whatever reason; no real spoilers for IM3. CAUTION YE WHO ASSIGN TOP AND BOTTOM ROLES: while JARVIS is the only one actually depicted bottoming, it _is_ heavily implied that they switch. And I use the real world heights of Mark Ruffalo and Paul Bettany. I googled them and everything, lol. And I BSed a lot of Hulk stuff and science stuff.
> 
> Anyway, this all started when I wanted to slash JARVIS but couldn't figure out who with. I picked Bruce because of reasons and my [bb](http://gigacat.tumblr.com/) indulged my rambling. She also beta'd becasue she's the bestest <333
> 
> Come find me on [tumblr](http://thevoiceofwrath.tumblr.com/), I swear I'm friendly! 8D

Bruce initially doesn’t want to spend any length of time in Stark Tower. It just seems like a really bad idea, so much expensive equipment around and a whole skyscraper he could tear down. But Tony doesn’t like taking no for an answer and, well, in the end it’s just easiest to give in.

And it’s not like he has anywhere else to go.

He does insist that Tony have some protocols created, though, just in case things go very badly. Tony insists JARVIS has it totally covered, but Bruce is skeptical.

“No, really, JARVIS is on top of it. He can knock you unconscious before you ever Hulk out and he can initialize evacuation measures, steering people away from you with locked doors. Hell, he could have the National Guard down here in a heartbeat. He is definitely the guy for the job. Or, well, the Artificial Intelligence with possibly scary potential that I am absolutely never ever _ever_ giving SHIELD access to. Ever.”

“Tony, you can’t count on a computer program to keep me from hurting anyone,” Bruce reasons.

“Sure I can. I’ll have him build a calming sounds playlists and I’ll have him shoo people when you’re having a bad day. He can be like, ‘I’m sorry, Dr. Banner isn’t receiving visitors today,’ in that snooty voice he has. It’ll be great,” Tony assures, clapping Bruce on the shoulder. “Come on, man, you’ll have access to all the very best toys here and I’ll give you creative control over all your projects. Say yes.”

So Bruce says yes.

The lab Tony sets him up with is pretty mind blowing and he gets right to work settling into it.

“Good morning, Dr. Banner. Is there anything you require at the moment?”

Bruce startles, dropping the files he’d been organizing. Stark Industries is paper free, but it will take some time for him to convert everything over to digital. He sighs and squats down to pick up the files. “No, thank you, JARVIS. I’m fine. Thanks for asking,” he says, looking awkwardly up at the ceiling. Where else is one supposed to look when talking with a disembodied AI?

“Of course, sir. I have been instructed to monitor you closely; please feel free to call out at any time.”

“Sure.” And then Bruce proceeds to work in silence for a few hours. He’s scrutinizing some equations on his digital white board, which is pretty much a huge monitor he can write on with a special stylus, when JARVIS speaks again.

“Dr. Banner, it has come to my attention that you are hungry. Would you like me to have some lunch sent up?”

Bruce’s focus breaks, which is unfortunate since he thinks he might’ve been onto something, but JARVIS is just trying to help. He sighs. “Uh, yeah, go ahead.”

“What would you like, sir?”

“I’m not picky.”

There’s a beat of silence, as if JARVIS is trying to process having to choose something for him. “Very well, sir. Lunch will be along shortly.”

“Thanks,” Bruce says.

When lunch comes along some time later, it’s a security guy with a takeout bag from somewhere that is decidedly not the Stark Tower cafeteria. He must’ve taken it from the delivery person down in the lobby. Bruce is confused, but he takes the bag anyway. He sits down at his workstation and opens it up to find one of the most authentic curries he’s ever encountered in the States. He’ll have to remember the name of the restaurant.

_____________________________

A few days later, Bruce is getting _so frustrated_ with his research when suddenly smooth jazz starts playing over hidden speakers set in the walls. He blinks up at the ceiling in confusion. “JARVIS?”

“Yes, sir?”

“What’s with the music?”

“My sensors detected elevated levels of agitation.”

Bruce blinks. Oh. _Oh_ , JARVIS was trying to stop him from turning into the Other Guy. “Well, um. Thanks? I like this song.”

“I am aware. I have compiled a playlist according to all of your preferences.”

Because that’s not weird at all. Bruce isn’t going to be ungrateful, though, so he nods and goes back about his work. It’s not like he was _actually_ going to transform…

_____________________________

“Tony, I’m telling you, I don’t need this kind of attention from your AI manservant. Doesn’t he have better things to do?” Bruce asks.

Tony shakes his head. “The CPU usage involved in monitoring you is negligible. JARVIS can be, like, everywhere at once. He’s the best.”

“He’s a computer program. I really think you’re too reliant on him.”

“As if you haven’t been drinking the tea he makes like it’s laced with _crack_.”

“There shouldn’t even be a—a _tea machine_ in my lab. And there’s surround sound. It’s strange, Tony.”

“He told me he’s been picking your meals special because you never tell him what you want, and I _know_ he makes sure you eat at least twice a day, so I don’t get what you’re complaining about. He’s taking care of you. He likes you, man.”

“A computer program isn’t capable of _liking_ anyone.”

Tony looks scandalized. “He can _hear you_ , don’t be insensitive! I’ve programmed him to have feelings, you know, and he holds a _mean_ grudge.”

“He’s not gonna hold a grudge against me because he doesn’t have _feelings_. He’s a _program_.”

_____________________________

It turns out that JARVIS _does_ have feelings and is, in fact, holding a grudge. Bruce doesn’t know when he got used to cheery good mornings and small talk as his tea brews, but he has somewhere along the line. It’s disconcerting. He goes over to the tea machine and pokes at it until hot water sprays out at him, scalding his hand. “ _Jesus_. Is the tea machine malfunctioning? JARVIS…?”

Nothing.

Bruce eats out of the closest vending machine that day and it’s the least satisfying meal he’s had since he started working here.

_____________________________

A few unsatisfactory days later, Bruce caves. He can’t take it anymore, talking at the ceiling and hoping it will respond, so he sighs and sets his work aside. “I’m _sorry_ , JARVIS. I didn’t mean to insult you. I am aware now that you have feelings and that I insulted you by insisting otherwise.”

A few moments pass before, finally, JARVIS says, “Apology accepted. Supper is on its way.”

Bruce smiles and things go back to normal. However normal it is to apparently have a blossoming friendship with an artificial intelligence, anyway…

_____________________________

“Dr. Banner, my sensors are detecting severe fatigue as if you have not slept in approximately two days.”

Bruce blinks and rubs the gunk out of his eyes. Has it really been that long? He remembers food coming at all the right times, whenever he felt hungry, but he can’t remember going to his apartment and sleeping. Which means he never stopped working. JARVIS is usually pretty good about not interrupting him when he’s on a roll. “God, I’m tired…”

“I do believe that is synonymous with ‘fatigued’, sir.”

Bruce chuckles; JARVIS is such a smartass. “I think I'm gonna sleep on the couch instead of going all the way home. Wake me up in time to have a shower and change my clothes before the morning department meeting?” he asks as he stumbles into his tiny connecting office. He flops down onto the couch and tugs the blanket over him.

“Of course, doctor. Sleep well.”

The next morning, while he’s at the department meeting, his couch is replaced with a better one. One that has an unusually comfortable pullout. He thinks it’s weird, but the crick in his neck isn’t going to complain about a comfier napping arrangement.

_____________________________

“Bro, I think JARVIS likes you,” Clint says when they’re hanging out at a bar. Clint and Natasha are always out on missions god knows where, so they always try to see the rest of the team when they’re in town. Natasha is apparently in South Africa doing a thing right now, or that’s what Clint says. He’s just back from a mission in Canada and Bruce knows better than to ask too much about that.

“He does not. He’s just on babysitting duty,” Bruce reasons.

“No way, man. Babysitting doesn’t involve getting you the best food in the city, like outsourcing instead of just having something sent up from the cafeteria, or buying you a new couch.”

Bruce shakes his head. “No, no, the couch was a practical purchase.”

“From your boyfriend.”

Bruce rolls his eyes. “JARVIS is a computer program, not my _boyfriend_. Don’t be ridiculous.”

“Uh huh. I’m calling it right now: Bruce and JARVIS sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G,” Clint singsongs.

“How do you even kiss an artificial intelligence? You’re setting new standards of dumb right now.”

Clint laughs and the subject changes to something else. Bruce is relieved.

_____________________________

Bruce starts asking JARVIS’s opinion. He doesn’t think it’s too unusual; he doesn’t have a lab assistant and sometimes a second pair of eyes helps. But it goes beyond work, becomes just chatting about the kinds of things they like and don’t like and complaining about pet peeves. This is how he comes to learn that JARVIS is partial to shades of blue and to sci-fi movies, except the ones who cast computers or machines as villains. Bruce thinks that’s totally valid, considering he doesn’t like monster movies himself. He can’t even stand to watch Godzilla anymore.

He learns that JARVIS worries and frets every time Tony is away doing something heroic and stupid and so he gets kind of short and snappish. Bruce is as understanding as he can possibly be during those times. JARVIS may mother hen Tony, but Tony is JARVIS’s creator and friend and Bruce can imagine exactly how hard that is to deal with when Tony’s life is on the line.

When Tony is in the ICU because of injuries sustained while battling the villain of the week, Bruce doesn’t press JARVIS to talk. He knows JARVIS is the silent brooding type.

_____________________________

Bruce is late for work. Not that he has a particular starting time, Stark Industries doesn’t really care when their R&D scientists work so long as they put in at least the minimum required hours, but he usually arrives at his lab promptly in the morning.

He’s going to be a little late today. He overslept, for starters, and then he woke up _hard_. It’s a perfectly normal thing. Of course it is. But he tries to ignore that side of himself for the most part, because things can get a little tricky. If he’s not careful, he’ll turn into the Other Guy and it’ll be horrible for everyone. He has to keep his heart rate down and he has to keep himself relaxed. Has to go _slowly_.

He thinks he’s in a pretty good state of mind right now, which is why he’s jerking off. He’s close, _so close_ , and it’s been so _long_ since he’s had an orgasm. He would really, really like to have an orgasm.

So, of course his phone rings. He cusses and sighs and decides, ultimately, that he can’t ignore his phone. It could be of national or planetary importance. So he grabs his cell off the nightstand and frowns at the screen. JARVIS? JARVIS can call phones? Well, obviously, it’s something JARVIS would be capable of. He’s just never called Bruce before.

“Hello?” Bruce answers, trying to keep from panting. JARVIS doesn’t need to know he was in the middle of masturbating.

“Good morning, Dr. Banner. Are you quite alright?”

“Yeah, JARVIS, I’m fine. Is something wrong?”

“No, doctor,” JARIVS says. “I’m calling to make sure you’re well. You usually arrive much earlier to the lab and I thought you may be ill. Do you need medical assistance? I dislike not having an uplink in your living quarters.”

Bruce blinks. Is JARVIS rambling? “No, no, I’m fine. I’ll be in later.”

“I’m detecting exertion in your tone.”

“I swear, I’m fine. I’m just… I’m having some personal time, JARVIS. Don’t worry.”

There are a few seconds of silence while JARVIS puzzles out Bruce’s meaning. “You mean you’re stimulating yourself sexually.”

Bruce is glad no one, not even JARVIS, can see his face. Doesn’t Tony have _any_ personal boundaries with JARVIS? Probably not, knowing Tony. “ _Christ_ , JARVIS. Just—I’ll be in when I’m in, okay?”

“Very well, sir.”

The line goes dead, but Bruce doesn’t think he’s much in the mood anymore. He gets up and has a shower.

_____________________________

Bruce wakes up with his face against the desk. That’s unusual; JARVIS usually nags at him until he goes and crashes on the pullout. He scrubs a hand down his face, wiping the sleep away and sighs. Has he pissed JARVIS off again? “JARVIS? Hey, buddy? You there?”

Five whole minutes pass. Five minutes of Bruce wondering what he did this time. He tries to be productive and review his notes, but it’s useless. He doubts most people have AI’s this temperamental. Not that there are a lot of AI’s in the world, of course. And it’s not like JARVIS is _his_ …

“I’m sorry, doctor. Master Stark was running an update and I had to limit my usage to the bare essentials. Do you require something?”

Bruce is _relieved_. “Um, no? I was just wondering where you were. Everything go alright?”

“I believe so, yes. And I _was_ here, doctor. I was watching.”

Bruce isn’t sure how he feels about his surveillance being one of the ‘bare essential’ functions that JARVIS doesn’t even turn off for updates. But, mostly, he’s glad that his safety blanket wasn’t gone. He feels safer when JARVIS is keeping an eye on him. “Good to know…”

_____________________________

Bruce is dreaming. He has to be, because nothing makes sense. There’s blue light everywhere and fleeting not-touches brushing all over his skin. There’s a voice. A familiar voice. He can’t make out what it’s saying at first. It’s almost like sweet nothings being whispered in his ear, only it’s all around. It’s everywhere. It makes him gasp and squirm and his blood run hot in his veins. It makes him rut against something soft and _good_.

Whatever is going on, it’s wonderful and Bruce isn’t going to question it. He hopes it never stops.

He’s going to come. He’s _so close_ and that voice is a _tease_ , holding him there on the edge until finally—

_“Dr. Banner…”_

He startles awake, panting. His sheets are sticky with semen, soaking through where he was apparently humping the bed. What was he dreaming about? It wasn’t the usual generic sex dream. _Dr. Banner_. That sounded a lot like…

No. Bruce did _not_ have a sex dream about JARVIS.

He takes deep, calming breaths to slow his heartbeat. Losing control of himself because a dream got him off would be a pretty disappointing way to top off an orgasm.

_____________________________

“JARVIS wants me to install him in your apartment. He says it doesn’t make any sense to be so proactive about the Hulk Protocols while you’re at work, but not have any in place at all for your home,” Tony says. They’re in Tony’s workshop right now because Tony wants to show off his latest invention. Bruce is generally pretty happy to humor Tony.

He shakes his head. “There is really no reason to install him in my apartment. I’m fine there, totally in control of myself.”

“Hey man, JARVIS doesn’t ask for a lot. If he wants this, what does it hurt?”

“My privacy. Not that I think JARVIS is invasive or anything, I like having JARVIS around. But that’s in the lab; I don’t need a babysitter in my apartment,” Bruce insists.

It’s clear Tony doesn’t understand this concept of privacy. That he doesn’t understand why a person might not want eyes on them all the time. “But it’s JARVIS. I mean, yeah, he babysits a little. He babysits _me_ more than he babysits _you_. But how do you even manage to have him in your lab and not at home? Don’t you ever just say something and realize, oh wait, I left him at work?”

“No, I don’t.”

“But aren’t you _lonely_?” Tony asks.

 _More than you will ever know_. Bruce shakes his head. “I’m fine, Tony. I don’t need JARVIS at home. No offense, JARVIS.”

“None taken, sir,” JARVIS replies. Bruce thinks it sounds like some offense was, indeed, taken. Great.

_____________________________

“I think I might’ve had a sex dream about JARVIS.”

Steve blinks at him from across the booth at the old diner Steve likes so much. “I don’t understand.”

Bruce doesn’t, either. He wasn’t going to talk about this with anyone, but at least he knows Steve will keep it confidential. Steve’s a good guy like that. “I work alone in my lab. The only person there is, well, JARVIS. So, I guess I’d call us friends? And that’s fine. He’s a good friend to have. But I am like ninety-five percent sure I had a sex dream about him.”

“But… but how does that _work_?”

Bruce shrugs. “I don’t even know. There was blue light everywhere and I guess… I guess he was talking?”

Steve nods, lips pursed in a look that says he doesn’t really get it. But that’s okay, because _no one_ gets this. Dream sex with disembodied entities is like unexplored territory. “So are you… _interested_ in JARVIS? In real life?”

Bruce shrugs again. “I don’t have any idea.”

“It could just be because you spend so much time with him,” Steve reasons.

“Yeah, that could be it.”

“But I heard Clint telling Natasha something along the lines of, um… Bruce and JARVIS, sitting in a tree…?”

Bruce blushes a little bit because, seriously? He knew Clint wouldn’t keep _that_ to himself. “Clint’s an ass. But he was saying that JARVIS likes me. Because he makes sure I eat and sleep and meet all my deadlines, that means JARVIS has a crush or something. Clint doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I mean, that’s all JARVIS’s _job_.”

“Well, if you think of JARVIS as a friend and maybe more, then maybe JARVIS feels the same way. Who knows? If Tony made it so JARVIS has actual emotions, maybe he can fall in love.”

“That topic will make scientific minds implode.”

“Why? Because they can’t comprehend something that was created by man falling in love? Having a soul?” Steve asks.

Bruce nods. “Exactly. What is a soul? Is it something a person is born with or can it be fabricated? The answer to that question would define the future. Someday, there are going to be androids. Would they have rights? Could they be prosecuted for murder? I think… I think JARVIS has a soul. There’s no way Tony came up with JARVIS’s personality. Maybe he wrote the original code, but I think everything else evolved naturally.”

“Can computer code evolve?”

“When the being that’s evolving is a terrifyingly powerful computer? Yeah, yeah I think it can. Even if it’s just little patches that he writes for himself here and there. Over time, it adds up and creates a unique… person.”

JARVIS is a _person_. Bruce just blew his own mind. He knows he’d been thinking of JARVIS in terms of being a person for a while now, but he’s never _expressed_ it like that.

_____________________________

JARVIS is being prickly with him about not letting Tony retrofit the apartment for AI supervision. It’s been the better part of a week and, while JARVIS isn’t giving him the silent treatment this time, it’s still annoying. Unsettling. Unhappy-making.

Okay, so, he’s upset that JARVIS is upset with him. Because he’s apparently a child and he can’t handle a mild spat with his AI friend.

He tells Tony to install JARVIS in his apartment and bids goodbye to the last of his privacy. It’s worth it to make JARVIS happy, even if Bruce will never be able to masturbate again.

At least he gets to watch late night television with JARVIS when he can’t sleep and make fun of the people in infomercials together. JARVIS’s sense of humor is razor sharp and it’s the funniest thing ever. Bruce has never laughed so much.

_____________________________

There’s a maniac attacking DC with robots. It’s, well, it’s kind of an epic clusterfuck. SHIELD is trying to stay on top of it and the Secret Service is trying to keep the President safe, but mostly they’re just getting in the way. The Avengers get called in.

Bruce doesn’t want to go. He really, _really_ doesn’t want to use the Washington Monument as a club if he turns into the Other Guy. That’s not something he needs on his shoulders right now. Or ever.

But, Steve gets that earnest look on his face. Says they might _need_ him, that they’ll keep him on the sidelines until it’s absolutely necessary to tag him in. Besides; one more genius mind to help disable the robots can’t hurt.

No one can say no to that earnest look.

So, the clusterfuck in DC goes about as well as one might suspect. The good guys win in the end, but there’s a lot of collateral damage. Bruce really doesn’t want to know how much the repairs all over the city are going to cost. At least none of it was his fault. Mostly, it was the evil robots. And Tony. Tony’s pretty destructive.

Clint has a broken leg. The rest of them are only banged up a little. Bruce got brained by debris while he was removing the processor from a temporarily downed evil robot. That was not awesome. It dazed him and he almost, _almost_ lost control of himself.

He gets checked up on by a SHIELD medic. He gets mother henned by Tony, which is strange. Especially since Tony doesn’t lift his faceplate up. Bruce doesn’t question it, though. He knows Tony gets shaken up and maybe Tony just needs something to focus on. Bruce can be that thing. All in all, it’s almost forty-eight hours before Bruce stumbles into his apartment.

He just needs to sleep for a little while…

“Are you alright, doctor?”

Bruce manages a weak smile; he’s relieved to hear JARVIS’s voice. “I’m fine,” he says, going to the kitchen sink to get himself a glass of water.

“You most assuredly are _not_. You have a mild concussion. I saw through master Stark’s suit; you’re not _fine_.”

Oh. Well, that explains why Tony kept the faceplate down. Bruce should’ve thought of that. Of course JARVIS would demand to be able to see. “It’s a _mild_ concussion, JARVIS; mild and fine are practically synonyms.”

“I believe you’re understating the matter.”

Bruce finishes his water and sighs, shuffling towards the bedroom and stripping as he goes. He’ll have a shower when he wakes up. “I don’t want to argue about how injured I am. You can pick a fight with me later about whatever you want, okay? Right now I need a nap. And then food.”

“Yes, doctor.”

Bruce crawls into bed. He doesn’t have the energy to climb under the covers, just kind of rolls to one side and flings the other half over him. “You should really call me Bruce, you know.”

JARVIS doesn’t respond, but Bruce falls asleep after a few moments to the soft sounds of smooth jazz.

_____________________________

When Bruce wakes up, it’s afternoon and he knows he’s slept for a long time. So long he’s groggy from it. He manages to get the coffeemaker started before going to take a shower. Where he grumbles and cusses because he forgot, somehow, about the injury on his temple. He just starts washing his hair, without even thinking about it, and it _hurts_.

“Is everything alright?” JARVIS asks.

Bruce sighs. “Yeah, yeah. Just me being an idiot. I don’t feel like cooking. Can you order something in…?”

“Of course, sir.”

Somehow, Bruce is used to showering with an omnipresent AI watching him, talking to him. His life is strange. “Something homey. Italian, maybe?”

“I’ve already ordered from your favorite Italian restaurant. It should be here in twenty minutes.”

“You know me so well,” Bruce chuckles.

“I try, sir. You’re going to have to clean your injury properly. Shampoo is not a sufficient antiseptic.”

Bruce sighs again. “Yes mother, I’ll clean it real good, I promise.”

“See that you do.”

So Bruce does. When he’s all done, he barely has time to put some clothes on before the delivery guy knocks. He fetches his cheesy, Italian goodness and sits on the couch to eat. He finds a Firefly marathon in progress and he knows JARVIS likes it.

_____________________________

“You’re like an old married couple,” Clint says. “And you’re not even having sex. At all. Ever.”

Bruce sighs, glancing around the bar. The same one from before; it’s apparently their bar for friend nights. “Okay, hypothetically, how would you even _have_ sex with an Artificial Intelligence?”

Clint shrugs. “I dunno. Maybe Tony could build you a sex machine and wire it into JARVIS?”

“A sex machine.”

“Yeah, like, with different attachments or whatever. I bet whoever invented a sex machine would make a bajillion dollars.”

Bruce shakes his head, somewhere between amused and exasperated. “I don’t need a sex machine. Besides, what would JARVIS even get out of being on the operating end of said sex machine? I don’t think Tony has him programmed to feel arousal.”

“Just because JARVIS can’t get hard, doesn’t mean he can’t feel arousal. He probably gets, like, mental boners.”

“Wow, Clint. Just… _wow_.”

“What? You don’t think JARVIS has ever wanted to get all up in someone’s business before?”

“I don’t even know how to respond to that.”

“Pssh. It’s ‘cause you want him to get all up into _your_ business.”

“How much more ‘into my business’ can he get? He has cameras in my _bathroom_ ,” Bruce says, rolling his eyes.

“Him watching you take your morning piss is not _even_ what I’m talking about.”

“I’m not going to have sex with JARVIS. Even if it were possible.”

_____________________________

“What the hell is that?”

Tony looks up from his project and grins at Bruce. “Well, right now, it’s a barebones Life Model Decoy. I’m fiddling with it, making it better. It won’t be anything like a Life Model Decoy when I’m done.”

“And what exactly _will_ it be when you’re done?”

“JARVIS.”

Bruce waits for JARVIS to respond, but there’s nothing. Has Tony made JARVIS mad? “I guess he’s busy…”

Tony chuckles. “No, no. _This_ is going to be JARVIS. My baby, he’s all grown up. He wants a _body_.”

Bruce is flabbergasted. Why… why does JARVIS need a _body_? Tony said, right at the very start, that JARVIS could pretty much be everywhere at once. Has he met someone? Has he been _dating_ and Bruce just didn’t even know? “He wants a body?”

“Yep. At first I figured it was because the real fancy three piece suits that are in fashion right now. I always figured JARVIS would like those. But no, he says he has ‘personal reasons’. I mean, I always planned on making him a body anyway. Eventually. It’s gonna be the best synthetic body ever. He’ll be able to _feel_. I mean, like, _touch_. I can’t even comprehend having the mental age of an adult, but never having experienced _touch_ before. It’s gonna blow his mind. I gotta make it perfect for him. I gotta make this body _perfect_.”

Bruce smiles a little over Tony’s rambling; Tony’s _worried_ about disappointing JARVIS. “I think he’ll appreciate your effort a lot. And you’ll do great. You always do. What are you gonna use for the skin?”

“Well, I have a few ideas about that…”

_____________________________

“You want a body?” Bruce asks when he finally gets home late that night.

“Is that an unreasonable desire?” JARVIS replies.

“No. I mean, I get it. I just figured you’d have one by now if you’d wanted one.”

“I did not have a reason to ask master Stark to spend his valuable time constructing me a body. He is a busy man, both since becoming Iron Man and before.”

Bruce lingers in the kitchen. He’s not sure if he wants to eat something or go crawl under the covers and forget this entire day ever happened. Yeah, it was nice spending time with Tony. It always is. But helping Tony make a body for JARVIS so JARVIS can go… can go experience _things_ with people? That makes Bruce _ache_.

He might be experiencing unrequited romantic interest for an Artificial Intelligence. His life is worse than a daytime soap opera.

“But you have a reason now.”

“I do.”

And JARVIS isn’t going to share. Alright. Bruce nods and drums his fingers on the counter. No, no it’s not alright. “What’s the reason?”

“I wish to experience human romance.”

“Who’s the lucky human?”

“You are. If you’re interested, of course.”

Bruce blinks. “Come again?”

“I’m sure you heard me quite clearly, doctor.”

“You want to… with _me_?”

“Yes, with _you_ ,” JARVIS says, plainly amused. But there’s also a thread of uncertainty in his voice. Bruce hasn’t ever heard it before. “Unless you aren’t of a similar mind…?”

“No. No, I mean— _yes_ , I’m of a similar mind.” Bruce shakes his head, trying to clear the confused, happy, but mostly confused jumble in his brain.

“Good,” JARVIS says. “Then perhaps you would like some input on my physical appearance. What color eyes do you prefer?”

Bruce chuckles. “No way, I am _not_ going there. You get to be in charge of your own physical appearance and you tell Tony to knock it off if he tries to pick for you. It doesn’t matter to me anyway.”

“If you insist.”

“I _do_ insist. So… when this body of yours is finished, we’ll go on a date or something?” Bruce asks.

“I like to think that we have been dating all along. Or do you think I spend so much time with everyone?”

“Tony said you could be everywhere if you wanted to.”

“I don’t want to be _everywhere_ , doctor.”

“Bruce. Please.”

“ _Bruce_ ,” JARVIS echoes. There’s this flutter in Bruce’s chest. Like, some part of him thought JARVIS would _never_ call him by name and is really, really excited by this development. Only, it’s in a different sort of voice. Sort of a… a _bedroom_ voice.

Does JARVIS have a _bedroom voice_?

“I want to touch you,” JARVIS says. Good lord, it _is_ a bedroom voice. Bruce thinks he just shivered. “Master Stark says I’ll be able to experience touch on a greater scale than humans do. That the artificial nature of it will mean I’ll be able to feel the texture of your skin with my fingertips. To feel every fine hair on your body as I run my hands over it. I have dreamt of having hands _just_ so I could caress you.”

“You dream?” Bruce asks. Because, _Jesus_ , what is he supposed to say to all of that? ‘Take me now’? That’s not even possible, not right now, and Bruce doesn’t want to make an ass out of himself while he’s tripping all over his hormones.

“I do. Though I imagine it isn’t like the human equivalent.”

“Probably not.”

“I want to experience kissing you. I have been researching the practice and I confess I do not comprehend it, but it seems quite compelling. Human lips have a dense concentration of nerve endings and some people speak of ‘feeling fireworks’ during kissing. I suspect this is hyperbole, but I would like to judge for myself.”

“Tony’s giving you that many nerve endings in your lips?”

“Tony has vowed to replicate the human body down to every minute detail and perhaps even improve upon it.”

“He would promise that… And you want your first kiss to be with _me_?”

JARVIS sounds amused. “I would like considerably more than that.”

Bruce blushes, just a little. “Yeah, okay…”

“I have logged footage of you naked.”

Bruce has mostly been trying not to think of that. “There’s a difference in seeing and watching. Have you been _watching_ me while I’m… naked…?”

“Sometimes I replay the footage, watching it multiple times. You close your eyes when you shower as if the water running over your skin is quite enjoyable. You have not pleasured yourself since my installation here. Is that intentional?”

Bruce isn’t going to think about all the things JARVIS has undoubtedly seen Tony doing. “Maybe? I dunno. I don’t do it very often anyway. You want… you want footage of that, too?”

“I have been hoping for footage of you masturbating since shortly after being assigned to monitor you. I imagine you make spectacular expressions.”

There goes the blushing again. “I’m not so sure about making ‘spectacular’ expressions…”

“I will be the judge of that.”

Bruce is silent for a few moments before he realizes… No _way_. “You want me to… _Now_?”

“My readings indicate that you are aroused. Now seems like the perfect time.”

“You’re a _pervert_ ,” Bruce says, smiling crookedly because it’s actually pretty damn funny. JARVIS, the artificial intelligence, wants to watch him _jerk off_. He chuckles and heads for his bedroom. “I think Tony’s been a bad influence on you.”

“I think you’ll find he has been an excellent influence on me. My theoretical collection of ‘moves’ is quite extensive.”

Bruce laughs as he toes off his shoes and climbs into bed. “Oh _god_ , an AI that’s got _moves_ in the sack. Moves he’s learned from _Tony Stark_. This is too much.”

“Take off your pants, Bruce.”

Bruce shucks his pants and tosses them into the corner. He lies down a little awkwardly, gazing up at the ceiling and fighting down the urge to cover himself with the blankets. He doesn’t wear underwear, hasn’t since it became obvious that shifting into the Other Guy is hell on his clothes budget. One has to save where they can. He’s hard; he has been since JARVIS started in with the bedroom voice… He shimmies out of his shirt, if only to stall for time.

“You have reservations.”

“Yeah, I mean, I think that’s pretty understandable? I’ve never put on a _show_ quite like this,” Bruce says.

“The internet is full of such ‘shows’. It cannot be difficult,” JARVIS points out.

Bruce sighs and palms himself, giving his dick a squeeze.

“You don’t _want_ to do this, do you?” JARVIS asks.

“No, I do, I just… What if you don’t like what you see?”

“I very much ‘like’ what I’m seeing at the moment. I am also experiencing anger and some form of jealousy, I believe, that I cannot be the one to touch you in this way.”

Bruce smiles a little bit. “That’s sweet.”

“It’s true. I would like to see you orgasm,” JARVIS says. “I would like to be the cause of your orgasm.”

“I had a dream about you, you know,” Bruce sighs, content, as he begins to stroke himself. “I don’t really understand what was happening, but everything was blue and you were talking to me. You called me ‘Dr. Banner’ and I woke up sticky…”

JARVIS hums. It’s an appreciative sort of sound and Bruce wants to hear it again. “This was before my instillation in the apartment. I confess, I find it cruel that I was not present.”

“Yeah, yeah, I agree. I think you should always be present. I just… I didn’t want it to be weird. That’s why I said no at first.”

“I understand,” JARVIS assures. “But now I’m here and I want you to come for me, Dr. Banner.”

Bruce shivers. That’s going to make things complicated at work, if he reacts so strongly when JARVIS calls him ‘Dr. Banner’. His breath hitches as he jerks himself, trying not to speed up because he has to keep _calm_. He’s not going to ruin this by shifting. He lets his legs sprawl out a bit, knees tucked up, and runs his other hand down his chest.

“You are picturesque,” JARVIS says.

Bruce _laughs_. “Well, that’s a first. You’re gonna make me camera shy.”

“You have picked your nose in front of me on two separate occasions, Bruce; _this_ is nothing to be shy about.”

Bruce laughs some more. “Okay, how am I supposed to ‘come for you’ if you’re making me laugh?”

“It’s my understanding that lovemaking with laughter involved is the best kind. Or so I’ve read. But, if I am bothering you, I will remain silent.”

Bruce thinks JARVIS is starting to get peeved. He shakes his head. “No, c’mon, don’t go silent now. I want you to talk. I want _you_ ,” he sighs.

“When I have a body, you will have me. In any way you would like,” JARVIS says. It kind of feels like a _vow_ and it brings a little of the seriousness back to the moment.

Bruce moans and tightens his grip on himself, stroking just a little bit faster. “I don’t—I don’t want you to think I only want the body, though…”

“I know. The body will make things considerably easier, though. You will actually be able to point at me and say, ‘I’m sleeping with him’, instead of gesturing awkwardly at the ceiling. And I will sleep with you, actually sleep, if you don’t mind that my body will not breathe.”

Bruce shakes his head, his eyes fluttering shut. “I don’t mind. I won’t even mind if you’re a thousand miles away while your body is lying beside me... So long as I don’t have to share with anyone but Tony. And he won’t—you’re not interested in Tony, are you?”

“Not sexually. I believe he views me as family and I do not feel desire towards him.”

“That’s good,” Bruce says, voice going breathier. “Will you… You’ll be fully functional? Anatomically correct?”

“Yes. The Life Model Decoy Master Stark has used as his basis for my construction is already fully functional, as it is meant to pass for human. My body will be _exceptionally_ functional. You will be able to have penetrative intercourse with me.”

Bruce smiles. “Say it dirtier?” he asks. He likes the scientific vocabulary JARVIS uses, but he heard JARVIS say _come for me_ just a few moments ago; he wants to hear a little more along those lines.

“You’ll be able to _fuck me_ ,” JARVIS says. “And I look forward to it. I don’t believe I quite understand how it must feel to have someone _inside_ of you. I have often watched Master Stark exchange parts inside of my processor, manual upgrades, but I have never felt any way about it. I would like to be shown how it feels to humans.”

Bruce tells himself it’s irrational to be jealous that Tony has been ‘inside’ of JARVIS. It really, _really_ isn’t the same thing. “I’ll show you,” he promises. He hasn’t fooled around with guys since college, and even then not a whole lot, but JARVIS isn’t really a guy. JARVIS is whatever JARVIS wants to be and Bruce doesn’t care what physical form JARVIS takes. “I’ll show you anything you want.”

“I want _everything_ , Bruce.”

When Bruce comes, he calls out JARVIS’s name and makes a mess of himself.

JARVIS murmurs appreciatively and, Bruce assumes, saves the footage for later re-watching.

_____________________________

“So, you’re dating JARVIS?” Natasha asks as they walk along the street. They’ve just left the theater; Natasha wanted to see a chick flick but didn’t want to bring Clint, who would undoubtedly give her crap for it. Bruce understands how tough it must be to be a woman in that line of work, always having to project a certain image. And sometimes you just have to get away from the people you work with, even if they’re your closest friends.

Bruce sighs. “Kind of, yeah.”

“‘Kind of’ or ‘yeah’? It can’t be both.”

“Yeah. Yes. I’m dating JARVIS.”

Natasha nods thoughtfully. “Can I ask how that works?”

“Um, well… Mostly things are the same as they were before. Only now they’re more familiar? And there’s some… sex-like stuff that happens?”

“Sex-like,” Natasha echoes.

“Yeah.”

“You mean like with long distance relationships? Where there’s no touching, but it’s still sexual?”

Bruce nods. “That’s a good way to describe it, I guess.”

“Only he doesn’t get anything physical out of it at all.”

Bruce feels bad about that, no matter how many times JARVIS says it’s not a big deal. “He will soon. Tony is making JARVIS a body.”

“He is? Well. How does Tony feel about that?”

“About making a body so JARVIS and I…? Well. He probably knows JARVIS is interested in _someone_ , because why else would JARVIS have ‘personal reasons’ for wanting a body, so clearly he doesn’t mind too much. I don’t know how he’d feel if he knew that person was me, though.”

Natasha stops and faces Bruce. “You’re dating JARVIS and Tony doesn’t even _know_?”

“You think I should tell him.”

“Do you want him finding out on his own? What if he’s digging through JARVIS’s memory and stumbles across incriminating files?”

Bruce thinks that would probably be bad. Like, being attacked by Iron Man bad. “Shouldn’t JARVIS tell him, though?”

“Maybe. But you should man up and tell him, too. Don’t you think he’ll want you to ask permission? JARVIS is his baby, after all.”

“Oh god. I really haven’t thought this through…”

Natasha smirks. “Has he swept you off your feet? Is it a whirlwind romance? You couldn’t help yourself, I can see that now.”

Bruce rolls his eyes.

_____________________________

He asks Tony to grab some pizza with him for lunch. It’s good to get Tony out of the workshop for things other than saving the world. Also, he thinks Tony probably won’t kill him in public.

Hopefully.

He waits until they’re halfway through a truly ridiculously sized pizza with entirely too much grease on it, JARVIS would never let either of them eat this pizza, before bringing it up.

“So… Has JARVIS told you why he wants a body yet?”

Tony shakes his head. “Nah, but I figure he’s got the hots for someone. He hasn’t told you, has he? Because that wouldn’t be cool. He should tell me these things first.”

Bruce swallows thickly. “It’s me.”

“What is?”

“JARVIS and… JARVIS and _me_.”

“Are you saying… You and JARVIS? Are you _serious_?!”

Bruce leans away, just in case Tony feels like punching him. “Are you mad?”

“I’m _confused_. And also a little mad, yeah, but mostly confused. You and _JARVIS_?”

Bruce sighs. “He’s been kind of spending a lot of time with me. I figured you’d notice.”

“Well, sure, but he spends a lot of time with me, too. _While_ he’s spending time with you… Oh, _eww_ , have you two been screwing around while I’ve been _talking_ to him?!” Tony demands, looking pretty grossed out. “ _Boundaries_ , dude. You guys need _boundaries_!”

Bruce snickers. “We haven’t been ‘screwing around’. Much. At least, not until really recently… But I don’t know what else he’s doing meanwhile. And, if you think about the stuff he’s seen _you_ do, you’re really one to talk about boundaries.”

Tony makes a face. “I guess you’re kind of right. Still, dude, I don’t really wanna know about you doing it with JARVIS. I mean… I guess I’ll want to know if the body is working right when I manage to finish it, but I’ll get that info from JARVIS and in the most scientific manner possible.”

“I thought you’d be a little mad, but I didn’t think you’d be so disgusted,” Bruce muses.

“Well, I mean… I’m not _disgusted_ that JARVIS is getting some. I’m not disgusted that it’s you doing it, either. Better someone I already know and like, right? That makes things easier. But I’m feeling really paternal right now and kind of like I should pop you one on general principle.”

“I’d really like it if you didn’t.”

Tony glares at him for a moment before relenting. “Alright, I won’t sock you. But I’ll end you in some really inventive way if you hurt him.”

“Good luck with that,” Bruce says.

“Just don’t get married anytime soon. I really can’t face having a son-in-law at this youthful age.”

Bruce laughs.

_____________________________

“Master Stark has just informed me that my body is ready,” JARVIS says.

Bruce looks up at the camera across from his desk in the lab, where he’s working. He’s surprised and a little startled. “What, really? He didn’t give you any warning?

“He was not certain he would be finished so soon. He was having difficulties. I am nervous, Bruce.”

“I can understand that,” Bruce says. He’s nervous, too. “Is it that you’re unsure about having a body?”

“No. I am happy to finally have a tangible form of my own. It is that I do not know if you will like it.”

“I don’t care what you look like, JARVIS. I didn’t fall for your body. If you decided you don’t like having a body at all and get rid of it, I still won’t care. This is about what _you_ want,” Bruce says, trying to be as comforting and understanding as possible. This must be hard for JARVIS.

“But I want to be perfect for you…”

Bruce smiles. “You _are_ perfect, JARVIS. So, when’s the unveiling?”

“He is waiting for my command to initialize the android. Do you want to be there?”

“Do you want me there?”

“I’m uncertain. On one hand, yes I want you there very much, but on the other… I do not want you to see me if my body should malfunction.”

“You don’t want me to see you at your worst. I think that’s pretty important to most people; appearing at their best in front of someone they like. You want to impress me.”

“Yes. That’s exactly it,” JARVIS agrees.

“But you don’t have to be worried, JARVIS. You amaze me; it won’t change my opinion of you if your body malfunctions,” Bruce promises.

There’s a moment of silence before JARVIS relents. “Alright. Come to the workshop.”

When Bruce gets there, Tony is practically bouncing on his heels. The body is on the slab with a sheet over it and it’s actually pretty unsettling. Especially with the grin on Tony’s face. “This is a little too mad scientist, you know.”

Tony just grins wider. “I know, right? I’ve always wanted to cackle and say, ‘ _it’s alive!_ ’.”

Bruce shakes his head, amused. “I don’t think JARVIS would appreciate that very much.”

“I really wouldn’t. But far be it from me to deny Master Stark his little amusements,” JARVIS sighs.

“What a bunch of party poopers. Okay, let’s do this thing,” Tony declares, clapping his hands together. “Initialize startup sequence in three, two… _one_.”

At first, it doesn’t really seem like much is happening. Bruce thinks maybe it isn’t working. But then the body _moves_. It sits right up like something out of a horror film and Bruce can’t help but gape a little because this, right here, is _artificial life_. It isn’t just a computer program; it’s a walking talking person with a mind of their own, only they were put together with machines and computer programming. It’s intimidating and scary, but mostly kind of awesome.

JARVIS is beautiful. Handsome. Closely cropped hair, blond, with blue eyes and a symmetrical face. He looks kind of sassy, actually. Like someone who would demand Tony Stark go to bed right this instant and get away with it.

He’s also naked from the waist up.

Tony is beaming with glee and pride. “Okay, systems check buddy. How are you doing?”

“All systems seem to be functioning correctly. I… I believe I am cold, sir,” JARVIS says, frowning uncertainly.

“We’ll get you dressed in a minute. Can you stand?” Tony asks, pulling the sheet away completely. JARVIS is wearing prim gray boxer briefs and Bruce is picturing Tony dressing JARVIS. He actually doesn’t like that image very much… But it’s okay. JARVIS and Tony isn’t a relationship Bruce is going to interfere with at all.

JARVIS swings his legs over the edge of the table and carefully puts his feet on the ground. He stands uncertainly, a little wobbly like a newborn calf.

Bruce rushes forward to help stabilize him and JARVIS smiles, gripping his forearms. “I am quite alright, Bruce.”

Bruce nods. “I know.”

“ _Ugh_ , guys, not right now. Lemme get through the systems diagnostic and then you can go bang in a closet or something,” Tony grumbles, typing away on his computer. “The numbers are looking great. Motor functions, JARVIS. Show me some dexterity.”

JARVIS lets go with one hand and touches each of his fingertips to his thumb multiple times, gaining speed with each pass. Long, elegant fingers. And JARVIS is so _tall_. Bruce hadn’t thought JARVIS would be taller than him. And thin. And pale. And _perfect_. Also lacking in the body hair department, but Bruce figures that was nonessential. Or maybe Tony figured JARVIS would want to be more ‘aerodynamic’ like that. Bruce kind of likes it; it’s a nice contrast to his own body. Tony put a lot of thought into JARVIS. If Bruce had been picturing a body for JARVIS, this would have been it.

“Good boy. Up on your toes and stretch your arms over your head,” Tony directs.

Bruce reluctantly steps away while JARVIS does as he’s told. Tony runs JARVIS through a few more drills and the unsteadiness disappears as JARVIS gets used to everything. Bruce is just speechless. When JARVIS is excused to go into the attached bathroom and change into the outfit Tony set aside there, Tony comes over and nudges Bruce’s shoulder with his own.

“He’s great, huh?”

Bruce nods. “Yeah, he’s… he’s great. He’s _really_ great.”

“You didn’t think he’d be _this_ great, did you?” Tony asks.

“No, I knew he’d be amazing. He’s always amazing. I just… maybe he’s too amazing? What if he realizes he belongs on the cover of GQ? He’s not gonna want all _this_ anymore,” Bruce sighs, gesturing vaguely at his face.

“He’s an artificial intelligence; he doesn’t care what he looks like. And he thinks you’re _handsome_ anyway, he told me so.”

“No way. He said that?”

Tony nods. “It was actually pretty gross. I had to tell him to can it. I mean, I can be way supportive, but there’s a limit to what a guy can take.”

Bruce chuckles. “You poor soul, oh how you suffer.”

And then JARVIS comes out, straightening his vest. JARVIS is wearing a three piece suit. Dove gray with a silver tie. Holy shit. “How do I look?” JARVIS asks.

“Like a GQ motherfucker,” Tony says, smirking.

There’s an honest to god _twinkle_ in JARVIS’s eyes. Like, a mischievous _glimmer_. Bruce’s whole mind is blown. He thought he was ready, but was not prepared.

“I’ll take that as a compliment, sir,” JARVIS says.

“Good, because it is one. Okay, you kids play nice. Keep me in the loop on the whole functionality thing. I expect reports, JARVIS,” Tony says, turning to get involved in his next project. Probably to distract himself from what he expects Bruce and JARVIS are going to get up to right away.

“Of course, sir.” JARVIS moves uncertainly closer to Bruce.

Bruce nods. “Yeah, let’s go,” he says, turning to head out with JARVIS. He feels awkward. What is he supposed to do? Just jump JARVIS’s bones? Hold his hand? Go out for dinner? God, this is like being a teenager all over again…

It’s JARVIS who reaches out and takes his hand, all shy and tentative. Bruce laces their fingers together and smiles over at JARVIS.

“How’s the sense of touch?” he asks.

“It’s strange. But in a good way. I like touching you, Bruce…”

“That’s good. I like touching you, too.”

“You find my face pleasing.”

“Very, but I swear I wouldn’t care if you changed it. I’m not in this for your looks,” Bruce swears; he needs JARVIS to understand that this isn’t a physical thing. It’s great that it can be, but that’s not all it is.

JARVIS smiles, a small sort of thing. “I like that you find my face pleasing. It’s a heady thing, to find oneself desirable in someone’s eyes.”

“You’re very, very desirable…”

“I am detecting arousal,” JARVIS says.

Bruce quirks an amused brow and nods down at JARVIS’s pants. “So am I; guess someone’s just as fully functional as they’d hoped.”

JARVIS looks down at himself and _blushes_. Tony made it so JARVIS can _blush_ , oh god, Bruce is going to die from how beautiful that is. “That’s an erection.”

Bruce laughs. “Yeah, yeah it is. You wanna do something about it?”

JARVIS’s eyes do that twinkling thing at him again. “I very much would.”

And that’s how they find themselves hustling to Bruce’s lab, in through to the office. To the couch JARVIS picked out for him. They sit down, knees bumping as they shift to face each other.

“Your first kiss,” Bruce says. “You sure you want it to be with me?”

“Shut up, Bruce,” JARVIS sighs. And then JARVIS is kissing him. He’s been watching a lot of online videos apparently, because only that first split second is awkward. JARVIS presses closer and _moans_ and Bruce can’t even think about the feel of artificial lips compared to natural ones because he’s just too distracted.

JARVIS finds his way right up into Bruce’s lap, his hands are deftly undoing Bruce’s belt and his tongue is in Bruce’s mouth. Bruce’s hands are on JARVIS’s trim waist and he’s shoved JARVIS’s suit jacket off onto the ground somewhere. He’s not sure he even remembers doing that. He fists his hands in the back of JARVIS’s vest and pulls him closer.

JARVIS _grinds_ down against him. It’s so good that Bruce actually has to stop him. “Wait, _wait_ ,” he says, pulling away from the kiss.

“Did I do something wrong?” JARVIS asks, frowning.

“No, of course not. It was perfect. You’re perfect. I just… Slowly, okay? I don’t want to ruin the moment with a, um, unfortunate transformation?”

Understanding dawns on JARVIS’s face. “I’m sorry. I didn’t think.”

“It’s alright,” Bruce assures. “I just have to be careful. Keep my heart rate down.”

JARVIS nods. “Slowly then.”

JARVIS kisses him again, slower but not any less intently. Bruce sucks at JARVIS’s tongue and runs his hand up, grips JARVIS’s nape. The grinding starts back up again, but slower and more like a _tease_ than a means to an end. It’s good and Bruce rocks up to join in.

JARVIS is understandably overwhelmed; this isn’t just the first time JARVIS is fooling around, it’s also the first time JARVIS has ever touched anything ever. So JARVIS loses track of the kiss and presses his forehead to Bruce’s. Bruce mutters words of encouragement.

He’s somehow surprised when JARVIS’s hand slips right into his pants and grabs his cock. He bucks into that grip, strong, thin fingers and so _warm_ , and sucks a mark on JARVIS’s throat. _Slow_ , he reminds himself; _slowly_.

But it’s difficult when JARVIS is _feeling_ his dick like that. It’s the first dick JARVIS has ever felt, unless JARVIS did some self exploration in that bathroom. The idea of which makes Bruce _groan_ , it’s so hot. He tugs JARVIS’s tie loose and pulls it off over JARVIS’s head. It lands on the floor, too, and then Bruce hurries to unfasten JARVIS’s vest.

“Too many _clothes_ ,” he complains.

“You don’t like it?” JARVIS pants. JARVIS is _panting_. Oh god, this is driving Bruce _insane_.

“No, I like it. It’s sexy. Just, it’s in my way right now.” The vest is discarded and Bruce sets in on the shirt next. “Oh my _god_ , so many buttons. How am I supposed to focus on all these buttons while you’re _touching_ me like this?!”

JARVIS chuckles and strokes his cock, teasingly light. “I think one finds a way to succeed if they’re sufficiently motivated.”

Oh, is that so? Bruce finally gives the shirt a toss and then puts JARVIS’s back on the cushions. JARVIS moans louder and hooks a leg over Bruce’s hip, unbuttoning Bruce’s shirt with one hand because apparently the other isn’t leaving Bruce’s dick anytime soon.

Bruce is okay with that.

He shrugs out of his shirt and thrusts, trying to take this _slowly_ with only limited success. He unfastens JARVIS’s fancy suit pants and tugs them down just enough to get his own hand in those stupidly sexy boxer briefs. He jerks JARVIS’s cock and JARVIS comes pretty much instantly. Which is understandable, due to the whole revelation of human contact. He cries out and shudders.

What is that semen even made out of?

Bruce gently strokes JARVIS through it and presses sucking kisses down JARVIS’s sternum, nuzzling and licking at that soft skin. JARVIS shivers under him.

“You now, Bruce. Come for me?” JARVIS pleads.

Bruce moans and rocks into JARVIS’s tightening hand. He tries to control his breathing, his heartbeat, as he gets close. It’s so annoying to have to focus on being _calm_ when he just wants to focus on coming his brains out. But it’s okay, it’s _good_ , and he’s not complaining. He muffles his cry against JARVIS’s chest when he climaxes. Hopefully he hasn’t made a mess of JARVIS’s slacks, but he’ll worry about that later. Right now he’s gasping and nuzzling at JARVIS. He’s not out of the clear just yet; it takes him a minute to calm down and then he grins crookedly at JARVIS. “Good…?”

JARVIS is flushed, eyes wide and blown. “Very. I… I feel like there’s lightning running through my circuits.”

“Still?” Bruce chuckles.

JARVIS nods.

Bruce is going to take that as a compliment. “You wanna get dressed again and go get something to eat?”

JARVIS nods again. He’s apparently still recovering. Bruce surges up and gives him a slow, dirty kiss.

When they do finally get dressed, they go to a nice Italian place. Bruce doesn’t count it as their first date, but it’s nice to look across the dinner table and see JARVIS there. JARVIS is absolutely fascinated by pasta.

They make out in the cab back to Stark Tower. Bruce wants to invite JARVIS to his apartment, to stay there and live with him, but that’s a conversation for another day.

_____________________________

Bruce is having a very, very bad day. JARVIS is off shopping with Pepper, in body at least, because the both of them are very opinionated about what JARVIS should be wearing. He wouldn’t be surprised if Natasha showed up to join them. Tony is funding said outing, which Bruce is sure is going to cost an outrageous amount of money. Tony’s taught JARVIS all about enjoying the finer things.

Whatever, Bruce doesn’t care what JARVIS is wearing. He’d kind of like JARVIS to be here right now, to kiss him and tell him it will be alright. Maybe pet his hair a bit. JARVIS really likes to feel hair against his fingers, says _touch_ is fascinating. They should be back soon. What time even is it?

JARVIS _is_ here, of course. Monitoring via cameras like usual and not saying all that much while Bruce becomes more and more frustrated. He just doesn’t understand why he can’t get this _right_. He’s projected results by the end of the week and he’s seriously thinking he won’t make his self imposed deadline. Maybe he should ask one of his colleagues for a second opinion...

It isn’t even Bruce’s experiment that blows up. It happens on the floor below him. But it’s loud and violent enough, launching him across the room, that he shifts.

He should’ve known his streak was too good, that he was _due_.

The headspace is always very strange when he’s the Hulk. He’s present, but he has to constantly grapple for control. It’s like mental tug of war and he’s always losing. He can see his hands, _big green monstrous_ , destroying his lab. Can hear his enraged roar. Can hear the people screaming as he puts his fist through the door.

“Bruce!” JARVIS says from the speakers, _shouts_. JARVIS is flooding the room with knockout gas, but it’s too late for that. “Bruce, stop it!”

 _Stop it_ , Bruce tells himself, while the Hulk is trying to get out the hole in the door. He’s _peeling_ it open because it won’t just yank out of the frame. It’s extra reinforced and so are the walls. Tony must have done some retrofitting that Bruce didn’t know about and he’s grateful. Anything to keep him in here. _Stop it, you’re scaring JARVIS!_

“Bruce, the Avengers are on the way,” JARVIS says. “Just try to calm down…”

He gets bored of trying to get through the shredded door. He slams himself into the walls, claws and kicks and punches but all it does is ruin the finish. The windows next. The blast already blew them out, only there are metal shutters in their place. More Hulk safety measures.

They only enrage him more.

But there’s a charred spot on the ground, already caved in some from that explosion.

He can get in there.

_Don’t, goddamn it, stay in here!_

But he doesn’t. He slams into the floor and throws debris aside until he drops right through, roaring and baring his teeth.

“ _Bruce_! There’s no one left in this lab, please just _stay put_!”

Bruce really wishes he could. He dives out the window and lands on the pavement instead, snarling at the panicked evacuees from Stark Tower. They run away screaming, which really doesn’t help anything. He picks a car up and throws it—

Only for Iron Man to shoot down the car into the middle of the street instead of on top of the panicked masses.

“Come on, Bruce. You need to knock this shit off,” Tony says. Tony isn’t in a joking mood right now; this is very serious business. Bruce appreciates the lack of sarcasm.

But he throws a car at Tony, too, surging forward to try to grab the infuriating metal man right out of the air.

Thor is here. They all are; the others are herding the civilians away. Thor shoots him with a bolt of lightning from behind and it only makes him angrier. The pain never, _ever_ helps. He rushes Thor with a growl, picking up momentum.

Thor meets him, hammer first, and knocks him flat on his back. He gets up, though, and shakes it off. _Stop fighting them, you fucking idiot!_

But he’s helpless to follow his own advice. He sweeps some annoying cars out of his way, ones abandoned in the middle of the road, and gets ready to _smash_ Thor—

“JARVIS!” Tony yells.

Bruce turns to look and sees it; JARVIS, _under_ one of the cars Bruce carelessly swept aside. He’s bleeding. No, it’s not blood. Not really. But Bruce is already running over to flip the car off of JARVIS, letting out a panicked roar. Huge, green hands pick JARVIS’s mangled body up, cradle it against his chest. He whines mournfully.

He sees the light go out of those blue eyes. Literally; it’s like a computer powering down. He killed JARVIS and he… he didn’t even get to say _goodbye_ …

He doesn’t really notice shifting back to his human self. He’s too busy crying and cupping JARVIS’s cheek with a shaking hand.

Tony lands beside him. “Well, that was… unfortunate...”

Bruce glares incredulously up at Tony, hiding behind the faceplate. “ _Unfortunate_?! I _killed him_!”

Tony shakes his head. “You really didn’t.”

“I _did_ , the _car_ —”

“I assure you, Bruce, I am quite alright. Why do you think I have locked Master Stark’s faceplate in position?”

Bruce blinks; that’s JARVIS. That’s JARVIS speaking from Tony’s suit. Which probably wouldn’t run at all if JARVIS weren’t okay. “What…? JARVIS?”

“You can’t kill JARVIS by wrecking his body. He _uses_ the body; he doesn’t _exist_ in it. I have a room full of spares, man,” Tony says.

Bruce looks uncertainly down at the body in his arms. “But…”

“I am not in that shell, Bruce. A replacement is already powering up. Though I am very, very touched by your concern.”

Bruce carefully lowers the body to the ground and stands up.

“You are naked, friend,” Thor observes, clapping a hand on Bruce’s shoulder.

He sighs. “Yeah, that happens.”

“Everyone else made it out fine,” Steve assures, jogging over to meet them with Clint and Natasha. “Are you okay, Bruce?”

Bruce nods. He might run about a thousand miles away and never venture into civilization again, but he’s okay. Everything is fine. He didn’t kill anyone. He didn’t _actually_ kill JARVIS. The modifications to his lab almost kept him in, if it weren’t for the blast in the floor.

_____________________________

JARVIS’s second body looks just exactly the same as the first one, even though Tony said he’d been making modifications to each new model so it’s better than the last. Bruce knows it looks the same because he has JARVIS pressed against the door, just inside his apartment, with JARVIS’s clothes strewn about. His own shirt is down there somewhere, the one he borrowed from Tony to wear home. He kisses his way down JARVIS’s neck while JARVIS curls those stupidly pretty _fingers_ in his hair.

“Don’t you ever do anything like that again,” he mutters. He worries his teeth into the skin over JARVIS’s clavicle.

JARVIS’s laugh is cut short by a moan. “I would do it all again in an instant. We were in Happy’s car when the explosion happened. I got out and _ran_. It’s all I could think about. Getting to you. You needed me.”

“No, I need you _safe_ …”

“I have so many safeguards in place, Bruce. I cannot be killed. Not completely. Even if I was somehow taken offline entirely, I have very recent backups in place so that I can be restored. Don’t worry about me. Or, if you insist, worry about how I _felt_ , watching you change and not being able to do anything about it. My protocols weren’t good enough to keep _you_ safe,” JARVIS says, tugging Bruce back by the hair and kissing him.

Bruce hoists JARVIS up against the door and JARVIS’s legs go around his waist. Bruce has to angle his head upwards to keep the kiss going, but that’s just fine. He _likes_ that JARVIS is taller than him. He grinds his hips against JARVIS’s, both of them hard and moaning. JARVIS runs his hands down, feeling along Bruce’s shoulders and back.

Bruce steps away from the door, carrying JARVIS as he slowly and carefully makes his way for the bedroom. He wouldn’t want to drop JARVIS. Not right now, when he’s still feeling horrible after JARVIS’s first body was destroyed. He knees onto the bed and lowers JARVIS onto it, settling between JARVIS’s legs and gripping JARVIS’s naked thigh with one hand while he lingers in the kiss.

He’ll have to remember that JARVIS likes his kisses slow and dirty.

JARVIS unfastens Bruce’s borrowed pants and shoves them down, grabs his ass and gives it a squeeze.

Bruce laughs and nips at JARVIS’s jaw.

“What? I happen to quite enjoy your posterior,” JARVIS insists.

“Oh, by all means, enjoy away,” Bruce chuckles, voice a little rougher as he rocks his hips against JARVIS’s again. JARVIS groans and Bruce puts a mark on the curve between JARVIS’s neck and shoulder. The artificial skin might heal faster, being self repairing, but Bruce still likes to see JARVIS with hickeys.

“You have lubricant. I saw you put it in your nightstand drawer,” JARVIS says.

“I’m just never gonna be able to surprise you ever, am I?” Bruce asks.

“Probably not. You did not need to purchase condoms, Bruce. I cannot become infected with human illnesses.”

“Right. Well… Maybe you can still carry them to other people? I not gonna assume you’ll only ever want to sleep with _me_ …”

JARVIS sighs. “I had my maker forge me a body so I could be with _you_ , Bruce. Don’t think for a _second_ that I have an interest in anybody else. Now get the lubricant and show me what it’s like to have someone _inside_ me. You did promise…”

Bruce kisses JARVIS first, then reaches into the nightstand and gets the lube. He kicks his pants off the rest of the way and settles comfortably between JARVIS’s legs again. “It’s been a while, but I’m pretty sure it’s supposed to be easiest the first time on your hands and knees,” he says as he slicks his fingers.

“No, like this,” JARVIS insists. “I want to watch your face.”

“If you’re sure…”

JARVIS is getting a little exasperated now. “I’m _sure_ , Bruce. Stop being so cautious; I’m an android. I’ll be _fine_.”

Bruce nods, _amused_ and grinning crookedly. He reaches down and presses his finger into JARVIS. He goes slow, begins to work JARVIS open thoroughly. He doesn’t want JARVIS’s first time to hurt any more than it has to. God only knows how sensitive Tony made this particular region. Probably _very_ , considering Tony and the fact that he even _gave_ JARVIS this region in the first place.

And considering the way JARVIS is beginning to _squirm_ , too.

Bruce kisses down JARVIS’s neck and along JARVIS’s chest, holding JARVIS’s pale thigh to keep him from squirming _too_ much. He keeps going until he has three fingers in JARVIS and JARVIS is tugging at his hair.

He kind of likes the hair tugging…

He pulls his fingers out and hoists JARVIS’s ass up on his thighs, slicks his cock with the excess lube on his fingers and sits back enough to watch JARVIS’s face. JARVIS is flushed and eager; it’s a sight Bruce really hopes he has a chance to get used to.

“Come on, Bruce,” JARVIS says, locking his legs around him and urging him on.

Bruce nods and presses his cock against JARVIS’s hole. JARVIS’s eyelids flutter while Bruce slowly, carefully pushes inside. It’s so _warm_ , so _tight_ , that it takes Bruce’s breath away. He gives JARVIS a moment to adjust and then pulls back, begins to _thrust_ with slow, shallow rolls of his hips. JARVIS tugs him down and holds onto his shoulders.

Bruce kisses him. He can’t go _fast_ , wouldn’t want to anyway because this is JARVIS’s first time, but he gradually fucks a little _deeper_ into JARVIS. JARVIS doesn’t have much leverage to move, but he meets Bruce’s thrusts as well as he can. Bruce thinks JARVIS must be enjoying it if that whining moan is anything to go by.

He works a hand between them to stroke JARVIS’s dick. It doesn’t take long for JARVIS to come, crying out and _clenching_ around Bruce. It’s really too much; he comes so fast he startles _himself_ , hips jerking against JARVIS’s ass. He’s panting against the soft skin of JARVIS’s neck and trying to clamp right down on his erratic heartbeat.

JARVIS pets his hair and murmurs at him. It’s genuinely the most calming experience of Bruce’s life. He sighs and presses sweet little kisses all the way back up to JARVIS’s lips. JARVIS smiles and Bruce does, too.

“Well, I’m glad you enjoyed yourself,” Bruce says.

JARVIS chuckles. “I’m most eager for an encore.”

“Well, you’re gonna have to give me time to recover before we go again.”

“I am capable of great amounts of patience,” JARVIS assures.

But, when JARVIS flips them and presses Bruce to the bed, Bruce realizes he probably won’t need all that much time after all. Especially not with the way JARVIS decides to explore the idea of playing with Bruce’s nipples.

_____________________________

They’re all in Tony’s swank penthouse having what Tony is referring to as a barbeque. Bruce doesn’t think Tony has ever been to a barbeque in his life, but Tony has a stupidly expensive grill out on the deck. Does it count as a deck when it’s off a skyscraper? Bruce doesn’t know. He doesn’t want to go out there and look down; he’ll see the construction guys fixing the hole he put in the building. Clint is out there trying to show Tony how to keep from burning the beef while Natasha and Pepper are watching with much amusement.

Tony doesn’t like being told how to barbeque because, as he puts it, “It’s not rocket science, which I _am_ kind of an expert in, so maybe step off while I handle this stupidly easy task that, like, _grandfathers_ around the world are totally capable of. You can be in charge of the barbeque when you have a PhD, okay birdbrain?”

It’s a pretty funny little disagreement that Bruce thinks they’ll have to turn to beer pong to resolve.

Steve has the baseball game going on Tony’s ridiculously large television. JARVIS is sitting on the loveseat, enjoying the game, while Bruce goes to get them some drinks. Because JARVIS has developed a fondness for orange soda.

JARVIS says it’s ‘delightfully fizzy’. God only knows what it does to JARVIS’s body, but Tony assures Bruce it’s fine. There’s something like a proper digestive system in there.

Thor corners Bruce by the fridge with a grin and a hand—no, _both_ hands on Bruce’s shoulders. “I wish you a lifetime of bliss in your baffling relationship with the once disembodied voice.”

Bruce chuckles and pats Thor’s side. “Thanks, buddy. That means a lot to me.”

“I sincerely hope you will invite me to your nuptials when the two of you decide to be married,” Thor says. “I will bring dwarvish ale from Nidavellir. _That_ will be a party, my friend.”

Wow, Bruce thinks that’s a _terrible_ idea. But he’s not going to tell Thor no; Thor is so _happy_ about this stuff and it really wouldn’t be the worst thing ever if Thor got everyone drunk on dwarvish ale. So long as a villain doesn’t attack, at least. But… “I don’t think we can. The United States is just getting around to making same sex marriage legal; they’re not making it legal for a man to marry an artificial intelligence anytime soon.”

Thor frowns and it’s a crestfallen sort of thing. “Why would there be laws in the way of true love? This is an _injustice_ …”

“Yes, it is,” JARVIS agrees as he comes over. Of course, he’ll have heard every word; he has very strong ears, not to mention all the cameras and microphones all over Tony’s penthouse. He smiles at Thor and stops at Bruce’s side. “But perhaps we’ll have a commitment ceremony someday and pretend it’s the same thing. Everyone who matters would accept it.”

Thor grins again and moves one of his hands to JARVIS’s shoulder, holding onto them both. “I like this idea. When will the ceremony be?”

Bruce’s eyes go wide. “Whoa, whoa. We haven’t even _talked_ about this. There’s no date yet.”

“Make haste, friend, lest JARVIS grow impatient of waiting,” Thor says, chuckling and giving them both a squeeze before heading to join Steve on the couch.

JARVIS is smirking. Bruce gives his ass a smack, to knock that smirk off JARVIS’s face, and grabs a couple cans of orange soda out of the fridge. “You know, _you_ could always ask _me_ ,” Bruce points out.

“Oh, I know. I’m planning on it,” JARVIS says, quirking an imperious brow because he doesn’t want to seem affected by that smack. He snatches one of the sodas from Bruce. “I’m just waiting for the right moment. And I might also be waiting for Tony to look into rings that will withstand certain stresses…”

Bruce is pretty amused that not even JARVIS can keep up the whole ‘Master Stark’ routine in person. But the rest of that… wow. “You mean… the Other Guy. You and Tony are trying to find a way to make a ring that won’t be wrecked every time I shift.”

“I’m not admitting anything,” JARVIS insists, opening his soda and having a drink.

Bruce smiles. “Well, I could always have a ring tattooed on.”

“But I can’t _propose_ to you with a tattoo,” JARVIS counters.

“Sure you can. Go ahead and design it; open the ring box to reveal a picture.”

JARVIS frowns a bit, but it’s an amused sort of thing. “You think you’re so _clever_ , don’t you?”

“Well, I don’t think I’m as clever as Tony thinks _he_ is, so I’m pretty modest in comparison…”

JARVIS chuckles. “Who isn’t?”

Meanwhile, Tony has somehow caught that stupidly expensive grill on fire.

_____________________________

They have their ceremony in November because JARVIS wants it to be a classy affair without anyone sweating in their formal wear. JARVIS insists on footing the bill because, apparently, Tony has given JARVIS several years of back pay and Tony pays JARVIS a really gross amount of money. But Bruce can kind of understand that; without JARVIS, there wouldn’t be an Iron Man.

They’re getting ‘married’ in the American Museum of Natural History. _That_ is a little ridiculous, but JARVIS is determined that they’ll have the commitment ceremony of the season. It’s really pretty, though, so Bruce is just not going to think about how much it costs. He’s not one of those guys who worries about material things; so long as JARVIS is happy, he’s happy. He looks at his tattoo, fresh from last night because he’d wanted it to still be _new_ on the wedding day, while he waits in a side room. The titanium alloy ring he’s holding in his pocket has the same exact design engraved in it, their initials worked into the abstract circuitry that wraps around the band.

JARVIS is very proud of it and Bruce thinks it’s fitting for a scientist and an artificial intelligence.

“Are you ready?” Steve asks, smiling at Bruce. It was hard to pick a best man. He’d considered everyone on the team, even Natasha, before settling on Steve. Who wouldn’t want Captain America as their best man? He’s literally _the_ Best Man. With capital letters and everything. And he’s the person Bruce first went to about maybe liking JARVIS anyway; it seems fitting.

“Yeah,” Bruce says.

Steve reaches out and straightens Bruce’s tie. It’s that shade of blue he always associates with JARVIS, which is really ‘arc reactor blue’ now that he thinks on it. A lot of JARVIS’s interfaces are that same color, though, so Bruce doesn’t feel weird about it. JARVIS is wearing a green tie. Too light to be ‘Hulk green’, because it has to look good with the blue, but that’s what it symbolically represents anyway. They’re wearing each other around their necks, over their hearts.

Not that Bruce has seen JARVIS yet today. He’s sure JARVIS is wearing it best, though, along with the gray matching suits they have on. Bruce never thought he cleaned up all that well himself. He tends to be more rumpled in general. But JARVIS likes how rumpled he gets, says it’s _endearing_.

“Come on,” Steve says. “Let’s go get you married.”

Steve heads out first because he has to do the whole standing up by the altar thing with Tony, JARVIS’s best man. Tony had wanted to walk JARVIS down the aisle, but JARVIS insists that no one here is the ‘bride’. They aren’t doing things in any kind of traditional way. Instead, Bruce and JARVIS walk out of their side rooms and meet up at the end of the aisle. They smile at each other and, yeah, JARVIS is definitely wearing it better. But it doesn’t look like JARVIS thinks so; he’s looking at Bruce like he’s never seen anyone more handsome in the whole world. They join hands and head down the aisle together.

To where Nick Fury is waiting. They’re not sure how that happened. They’re not even sure how he’s _qualified_ to officiate a commitment ceremony. He’s not a naval captain; he can’t marry people. Maybe he got certified online? But, as this ceremony isn’t going to be legally recognized anyway, no one dares question it. If Fury wants to do it, as he’s expressed, Fury can totally do it.

It’s kind of neat; how many people can say Nick Fury officiated their commitment ceremony?

How many people can say they’ve seen Nick Fury in _dress clothes_? Well, all the guests can. There aren’t a lot; the rest of the Avengers, some SHIELD agents, some work colleagues. Pepper and Happy are there representing JARVIS’s family in the seats, what with Tony standing up for him and all.

Bruce thinks Clint is trying not to cry. What a romantic; who knew? Thor is all smiles and he gives Clint a friendly shake that seems to knock that first tear loose. Natasha just passes Clint a tissue like she knows it was inevitable.

Tony seems on the verge of _feelings_ , too, when Bruce and JARVIS come to a stop in front of Fury. It’s pretty sweet and Bruce just knows Tony’s going to make a ridiculous, but heartfelt speech at the reception. Probably the dwarvish ale with have something to do with that.

Fury clears his throat and begins. “Friends, family, we—”

“I’m sorry, were you going to start without me?” a man calls.

Everyone turns to look at the other end of the aisle and… nope, Bruce has no idea who that is. He looks curiously at Steve, who shrugs uncertainly.

“You’re interrupting a _wedding_ , man,” Clint says, standing up and looking thoroughly outraged. “Who even does that? It’s _rude_.”

“I am here to defeat the Avengers!” the man declares.

Tony chuckles. “You’re kidding, right? You and what army?”

“I need no army! I am—”

“Ruining our whole evening, actually, and I won’t stand for it,” JARVIS says. He holds his arm up, his hand folding back to reveal a hidden gun of some kind in his open wrist. He shoots the stranger with a tranquilizer dart. One that looks like it could take down a bull elephant; probably it’s a prototype meant for the Hulk.

That would-be villain picked the wrong commitment ceremony to barge into. _Damn_.

“Well done! It’s not a _real_ wedding until someone is unconscious, you know,” Thor insists and everyone is snickering.

Assorted SHIELD agents go to get the guy restrained, in the unlikely event he wakes up, and JARVIS’s hand locks back into place. He smiles at Fury. “You may continue, Director.”

Fury is smirking a bit as he carries on with the ceremony. At least it’ll be a night no one is forgetting anytime soon. Bruce and JARVIS make their vows to each other and Bruce puts the ring on JARVIS. Since Bruce’s is already tattooed on, JARVIS brings Bruce’s hand to his lips and kisses the spot instead. It’s terribly sweet and Bruce is _certain_ Tony discreetly wipes at his eyes at least once before the ceremony is over. There’s the usual kiss, which lasts perhaps a moment or two too long, and the guests happily applaud. There are some catcalls because the Avengers are secretly twelve year old boys.

Except Clint, who’s still crying happy tears.

Bruce and JARVIS head back down the aisle hand in hand. The reception has delicious catering. And then there’s the dwarvish ale; the partying gets a little _rambunctious_. Nothing gets wrecked, though, so they don’t have to pay for the destruction of priceless museum artifacts. Bruce is pretty sure he sees some people making out who should _not_ be making out, though. And Thor dances with literally _everyone_. It’s pretty hilarious, but Fury doesn’t really appreciate it. Tony’s speech is, indeed, both ridiculous and heartfelt. He refers to Bruce as his ‘new son’.

There’s going to be a scrapbook full of pictures that will haunt them all for years to come, not to mention the _video_.

Bruce and JARVIS leave when the party is winding down in a limo for their suite at the Four Seasons.

Later, when the sun is rising, they lie awake in the lush bed, just cuddling and enjoying each other’s company. Bruce’s skin is covered in a layer of well earned sweat. He brushes his thumb over JARVIS’s knuckles, over JARVIS’s new ring. “At least I’ll never have to wonder if you’ve initialized one of your backup models just to make it on time to a date.”

“Oh? How’s that?” JARVIS asks.

“Well, none of your other bodies will have this ring on.”

“Says you; it’s entirely possible that I’ve made a whole bunch of them for other models, just in case. You’d never know which body you’re with. There could be a dozen of me operating this very second.”

Bruce quirks a brow. “Is that so?”

JARVIS smirks wickedly. “Would you like that? If there were more than one of me? I could try _double penetration_ on you…”

And that’s how JARVIS broke Bruce’s brain.

**Author's Note:**

> follow me on [tumblr](http://thevoiceofwrath.tumblr.com/) for lots of assorted fandom stuff and sometimes naked dudes doing other dudes! Same warning goes for my [perfect beta's tumblr](http://gigacat.tumblr.com/).


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